Posts

Hello, Old Friend

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It's been twelve years since 15-year-old Justy started this blog. I feel incredibly distant from that sad, young girl who was just a freshman in high school at the time. So much has changed since then. In 2009, I was going through a lot. My mom was using drugs and gave up custody of me, my dad was absent/all I could remember about him was abuse, and I was adjusting to living with my Uncle Joe and grandma after moving across the country, alone, mid-freshman year of high school. To be honest, I needed therapy and resources, but I am thankful I had this blog. I enjoy having entries to look back on reminding me of how it felt to be stuck in the middle of all the trauma. More than anything, I wish I could give my 15-year-old self a big hug and let her know that things were going to be okay. 
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It's too late to apologize;

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Love hurts. Boys lie. Friends cry. People die. Parents yell. You always try. You're never good enough- And you don't know why. I'd rather argue with him, then kiss anyone else. I don't care what you say. When you love someone, You don't give up. And that's final.
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She lives in a fairy tale;

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"I'm living in a life of magic, cause the real world is tragic." "Love never runs out of chances." Growing up is hard. These changes are overwhelming. Please, just let it all be over. Where did that little girl go? What has she turned into? I hope that she can make you proud. She's trying. She doesn't want to disappoint you or herself. She's made a lot of mistakes. But she's learning from them. All of these new experiences are molding her. She is doing her best to create herself into someone she wants to be. Can you believe that in a few months she'll be 16? I can't. I guess that seems like nothing to you. You've been here way longer than she has. You are probably thinking, time goes by fast. Not her. Right now she's wondering why every year seems to take forever. Seconds are like minutes, minutes like hours, and hours like days. I wish I was older. I will always try my best to do what you've told me: "Make the world take...
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Take the world off your shoulders, put it on mine.

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You don't want people talking crap about you, yet you sit there and give them reasons back to back? I'M DONE WITH HIGHSCHOOL DRAMA! DONE. :) I'm overwhelmed with life, who cares.
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I can't wake up without an overose;

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"You try to numb your pain, With alcohol and pills. But it won't repair your trust. You can't stand on two fucking feet, With a substance as your crutch. These scars won't tear us apart. I won't give up on you. Don't give up on me. It's not too late for us. I'll save you from yourself."
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Stay with me, or watch me bleed;

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Thanks, Brooklyn Rae Clare :) That girl is so sweet. It meant a lot to me :) Love you lil' sis! You know, you're the light that makes my darkness dissapear! I just can't take it. I know distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away. Another day without you with me, is like a blade that cuts right through me. When you call, my heart stops beating. When you gone, it won't stop bleeding. Every time I turn around, I think of you. I wanna come back home to see your face!!! I can wait forever... THIS IS THE PRICE I HAVE TO PAY, AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
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Now you're just someone I used to know;

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I wonder if she knows that we are becoming everything we promised we wouldn't. I wonder if things will ever be the same... Even if we did try to glue it all back together, there is still cracks. Scars that will never go away. Battle wounds. Without you I'll be miserable at best. The only thing left to say is goodbye. I don't like feeling like this. It makes me wonder if forever ended a long time ago. I try to be someone else, but this is who I really am. I won't beg for your friendship; I shouldn't have to. I just want you to know that I don't want to just let go. I'll live with the regret for the rest of my life. Listen to me, you're killing me. BREAK ME DOWN!
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